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David Bowie Rises From Grave After Three Days!

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“I told you so”, said the elated superstar. “I was pretty far gone, but this proves that there is, and will be, a resurrection of all human bodies, some for punishment, and some for rest and reward in Heaven”. “If you’ll just turn your back on your existing lifestyle and beliefs and follow me, I can square things for you with God”.

Speaking to a small group of close friends and colleagues yesterday afternoon, Mr Bowie went on to say that “just like a seed of wheat, you can’t grow into the full plant that you’re supposed to be until you actually die and are buried in the ground. Giving your life to me is like dying now, in advance. Gets it out of the way, see? ‘Cos you’re either born once and die twice, or born again and die only once. If you wait until you really die, it’ll be too late, and then you’ll have to have your second death in the Lake of Fire”. “You can’t get round it on your own. Just being a good person won’t help you. I can only help fans if they have unconditional loyalty”, said the musician. “I’m the only person who can give you that all-important ‘second birth'”.

The chart-topping pop star, famous for songs like ‘Starman’ and ‘Heroes’, will be holding an open-air rally for “anyone who wants to turn up, really”, tomorrow in New York’s Times Square. “I’m going to actually finally rise to Heaven in about a month, but before I go, I want as many people as possible to see me alive again, and hear about this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for eternal life that I’m offering.” “God’s been planning this for a few thousand years. I came to actually make the necessary self-sacrifice, and make it happen”.

Known as ‘rock’s chameleon’, famous for regular changes of image, this is not the first time Bowie has reinvented himself and tested the loyalty of followers. But most fans were overjoyed to learn of the star’s latest incarnation today. Pete Fisher, a recruitment analyst and long time devotee from London who flew to New York after hearing of Bowie’s decease at the weekend and has been camping in the park near the Bowie residence since Tuesday said: “I’m not surprised he’s finally made the ultimate transformation. I’ll certainly be putting my faith in him after this”. Another fan, Joanna Lewis, from Baltimore, wearing shocking red hair and silver eyeshadow streaked with tears said, “We thought it was all over, no one else worth following, there was nothing else to live for, but this changes everything now”. Bowie responded to blogging critics ridiculing such ardent fans by saying: “Suffer little children to come unto me, and forbid them not, for of such is the kingdom of God”.

In a formal statement, the star also later blasted the press and cynics for not believing him: “I’ve spent a lifetime with you, you’ve all seen and heard my stuff, I’ve consistently given my best, and have never lied to you. I fulfilled everything that was expected of me and more. You ought to trust me by now“. “Think carefully: Do you really think you have any other way out of here? You know all the songs, search through them: Even Morrison told you, ‘no one here gets out alive’. How else are you going to avoid death and Hell? Who would you sooner trust? Me, or Christopher Hitchens? He didn’t rise from the grave: I did. He had no control over his eternal destiny: I have. Follow me, and you’ll have it too”.

Bowie later added on his blog: “Some people will get it, others won’t. It’s always been like that. My music isn’t for everybody. But God knows all about that and makes sure that the people who need to hear it will hear it. He knows who’s worth the trouble, and who isn’t. In fact, He’s already got a book with their names written in it. It’s the sort of thing an omnipotent God knows about. But bottom line, the point is, you only get one shot at Heaven, there’s only one way, and my role is to make sure you find it.” “Dad and I talked about this for a long time, and in the end we decided that my resurrection from an awful death was the absolutely best way we could come up with of assuring you that I am the way to go, and also that I really care. Once the plan went into motion, it wasn’t something I could just walk away from. With my death and resurrection, I’ve secured the best deal for you you’re ever gonna get. Satan’s the man who sold the world: I’m the man who bought it back. You can be heroes just for one day, or have a mansion in Heaven for eternity. I’ve done the necessary heavy lifting, now it’s up to you to receive the offer. I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me“.

Representatives of the Islamic faith, whose prophet ‘Mohammed’ is still dead, are reported to be enraged, while, following consultations with the US Department of Justice, The Chief Rabbi and legal representatives for the Church of England issued a joint statement: “Mr Bowie’s stance is controversial, but we can find no fault in him. After all, there’s nothing more you can do to a man who has already died, in effect enduring the greatest legal sentence any court of law can pass. One’s only option is to take his claims at face value, and see what happens on ‘the other side'”. The American Humanist Association and readers of Rolling Stone Magazine are jointly petitioning for Bowie’s name to be struck from the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. A spokesman for the coalition stated, “Somebody with this amount of cultural influence, especially on young people, ought to keep his spiritual beliefs to himself”. The Vatican was unavailable for comment.

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